Friday, July 18, 2008


I cut my heart wide open
and I don't feel anything
it seems my heart have been numb for years.

my chaotic mind!

I wish my mind is simpler. The way I’m thinking about my life for exactly. I hate to be complex because…its complex. I don’t know, but I guess the term of complex already describe my life. Or confuse…I don’t know.

In my head, I keep thinking about my future, my life compared to my friends, global warming, the upper, middle, and below, love, sex, lust, compassion, balloon, food, backpacking, runaway, hate, money, men, women, children, figures, tukang mie ayam, DVD, college, study, Almighty, clips, nerve, pet, lou reed, katleen, mama, bapak, redemption, anger, happiness, solitude, alienation, tranquility, euphoria, black, white, grey, noise, shit, smoke, dirt, ok! Those were only my 0.00000001% of my head.

Most of these questions popped up with one simple word. And this word makes my life more complicated than it is. Do you know what word it is? Ok…The ultimate word…the mastermind of all my so called “njelimet“ life is (drums please!) drums drums drums drums drums drums drums drums drums….. …..WHY?!!!!! yes! why! why! why!why he?why we?why it?why she?why them? Why?why life? Why?! I think we should stop, my nerve feels intense.

I want my life simpler. I hate to be grown-up and thinking a lot of stuff in life and you don’t know how to stop it. It keep coming in your head like thousands bullets shoot out to your head. It feels like a broken dam, the overflowing water runs to every streams and river, you can’t stop it and when you want to fix it you have to dry out the water, Oh really? I’m not really sure….

Stop. Pull out all these emotions and make it simple. But then just a glimpsed of my thought said “then just die!” Did you see all my so called complex life circling around in spiritual and material world, and not only me, we all do.

Hey! it reminds me of a film, did you watched “into the wild”? It’s a true story. I think that man in the film (sorry forget the name) is a prodigy, why? Because he succeeded to left his hedonist, material, and don’t forget his bright future life and choose to live in the wild instead to live among his fortune.

I’m 24 right now. And I’m unemployed. Well not totally…But thank God I have my parents so I’m not homeless. But I’m 24. I wish I still teenagers. Teenagers had rights to make their parents up set, messed up, and fu*ked up. And when you are 24 that rights belongs to your parents. But then again my parents didn’t use their rights on me. I don’t know why…I never understand parents -to their kid’s- love, it beyond me. But I guess I’ll understand it when I have one.

I do have a job. Two job. Two freelance job. I won’t tell you what kind of job I have, but it doesn’t pay me much! Hah! Now I know why I complain so much about life. Because I haven’t achieve anything in this life!! But back again its not that simple…Now I wonder WHY…

But right now all I can hear is Axl Rose singing “Welcome to the jungle Watch it bring you to your knees, knees I wanna watch you bleed…”

Friday, July 11, 2008

otomatis parasit

no job+ no money=otomatis parasit